http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xy5wp2RyRHA treasure- flyleaf
This was such an impacting week and a hard week for me to share because it was so personal. God is teaching me of His gentle character and His charm. He is proving to me how He has always been there through everything. He is proving to me that i can trust Him, even though He is not obligated to prove to me anything. God loves me enough though that He will show me Himself in every single harsh memory or shameful secret that i have.
This week was our first teaching week where we had a teacher come to speak with us. Our teachers name was David and he was an american who was living in Japan as a christian. Before meeting this guy i had never met someone so real and honest about their relationship with God. He started off be telling us his testamony of his childhood with his father that left him broken. He than carried it on to when he met with God one late night after he was out drinking. His story really captivated me to listen to what he was teaching us later about Gods character.He went through a few characteristics of God, than he spoke on God as our father. Without ever realizing it, i did not view God as my father. I did not want to view God as my father because my view of a father had been damaged. This in particular is hard to share because i know that my own dad will read this and i pray that it doesnt break his heart, but i believe that our family is healing and that our past family habits are important to share.
If i were to view God as my father, that would mean that
- He would leave me
- He would hurt me
- He would make me cry
- I couldnt believe His promises
- He wouldnt show me love
- He woulnt have enough time for me
- He would try to make up for not being there with gifts
- He would act like nothing is wrong
- and so many more that are hard to express or explain.
As i was crying, all of my musles started to tense up and my whole body was forcefully pulling itself into a tight ball. My whole face was making my eyes shut as if i was keeping myself safe somehow. This went on for what felt like ages and David came over and asked me to look him in his eyes. I couldnt bring myself to do such a simple thing. The shame i felt infront of david and God. The shame i felt because i couldnt trust God as my father. It was heavy in my body. The tears still fell so deeply and painfully from not just my eyes, but from my whole being.
Yet during this, God knew that he wanted me to be healed and he knew that if He could prove His pure Fathers love to me, I could slowly start to trust Him. So as my body was forcing itself to be so tight, God brought my mind back to the memory of me and my dad. we were standing on the front deck where i was fully humiliated by the words of my dad. He stood there when i looked at him and told him that i should just leave. He looked at me and mockingly told me "Oh you don't have to leave. I didnt mean it" and than told me to "give me a hug."
God brought to me this memory why?
Why would he do this?
Because He was showing me that my view of a fathers hug was to mock me and that it was used to bribe me to stay and not leave him. God was also showing me that He was there every moment of that fight. He knew exactly why I couldnt trust Him as my father, and He wanted to heal me. The wonderful gift of God the Father's loving hug had nothing nice about it to me. I felt so ashamed that i had been humiliated like this, so i denied God's hug because of it. I said "No" to God as if He had no idea what i was feeling. My whole body was aching from the inside out because of how tight each and every mucle was reacting.
God seemlessly took me from one memory to the next. God now was making me aware of my mucles and the way i was sitting. It was as if my body was fighting to keep my whole self as tight as it could to a bus window. And thats because I was. God reminded me of one day that I rode the bus home from school when i was 14. I had two friends that i would talk to several bus rides a week. I knew what they wanted from me so on the inside i was scared of how close i was getting with them. This day I sat in my seat on the bus when the first boy sat next to me and the other boy sat behind me. They had never sat by me like this before and i could start to feel every mucle in my whole body tenced up and i scooted closer to the window, just like how i was sitting in the teaching. The two boys started to sweet talk to me, than minipulate me than later force me to flash my chest. After I fell into the same boy's lap and weeped. I was forced to do this yet i had lived all these years that i had thouht about this like it was my fault. I was discusted by myself and had no self worth. I never told anyone of this. So why would God remind me of this?
He reminded me of this because he was showing me that the very moments that i weeped on that boys lap, God was weeping over me because of the pain he felt for His daughter. God hurt more than i did. And not only was He weeping over me, He was weeping over the two boys. God was proving to me that He was there and that he does know me and how i felt. He showed me that He does not force me to love Him or to hug Him. He gentaly heals me to get to the point where i want to hug Him and love Him. I had so much shame to try and handle. I thought myself to be unworthy of His perfect love. Like i had done to much for Him to still love me. So again i denied Him.
Like before God was took me from thought to thought. He was now leading me to think of the stories in the Bible where He loved the prostitutes. He didnt turn His back on them and He didnt change His mind on how much He loved them either. He still saw them as beautiful and wonderful. Not one loving thought changed about them even though they didnt love themselves.
So than God brought me to my eighth grade graduation dance that took place the same night as our eight grade graduation. My dad had been escorted out of it and i got the news that my parents were plannig on a devorce. When i went to that dance i didnt care about myself or how i would act that night. So at the dance i grinded with every guy that would. There were girls calling me a slut and i didnt care.
And God told me " just as i loved the prostitutes i have loved you" He showed me that even though I treated myself like this and danced with every boy like this His loving thoughts for me never changed. This finaly broke the wall inside of me. The tears of fear, pain and anger turned to tears of peace, relife and trust. God started to overwhelm me with His victorious Love! God told me that he wants to dance with me like a father wants to dance with his daughter. I was so suprised by this that God wasnt mad at me. It bacame easier to trust Him and i gave up all of these reasons that kept me from seeing Him as a father and i slowly fell into His Fathers Hug (through someone elses hug) and i felt safe and loved.
God loves me so much to gentaly show me His place in ever harsh memory and shameful secret. All of these memories that God reminded me of were all things that i couldnt face God with. I was so ashamed of myself. and It haunted my thoughts for a long time. Now i can recieve God as my Fathers and trust that His love is real and trust that His love is true!!!
Now when i veiw God as my Father it means:
- He will never leave me
- He protects me
- he loves me
- I can believe His promises
- He is forgiving
- I can tell Him anything
- He wants to spend tme with me
- He doesnt hurt my feelings
- He is so wonderful!!!
- I can talk to Him about anything!!!
- and sooo much more that is hard to express or explain!
God redeems the pain and helps me with my shame.
Cheralynn, I couldnt be a happier father than I am, knowing my Cher has surrendered everything over to the Lord our God, is in his will, going to all nations. Forgive me of the past. God is totally restoring what was lost and I pray for snow all the time. I am soo proud of you. We have an awesome God. I love you with all my heart. Bless you Lov Pop
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