A gentle healing. God redeems the pain and helps me with my shame.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2ZCIp0HiRo Arms wide open- misty edwards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xy5wp2RyRHA  treasure- flyleaf


This was such an impacting week and a hard week for me to share because it was so personal. God is teaching me of His gentle character and His charm. He is proving to me how He has always been there through everything. He is proving to me that i can trust Him, even though He is not obligated to prove to me anything. God loves me enough though that He will show me Himself in every single harsh memory or shameful secret that i have.

This week was our first teaching week where we had a teacher come to speak with us. Our teachers name was David and he was an american who was living in Japan as a christian. Before meeting this guy i had never met someone so real and honest about their relationship with God. He started off be telling us his testamony of his childhood with his father that left him broken. He than carried it on to when he met with God one late night after he was out drinking. His story really captivated me to listen to what he was teaching us later about Gods character.He went through a few characteristics of God, than he spoke on God as our father. Without ever realizing it, i did not view God as my father. I did not want to view God as my father because my view of a father had been damaged. This in particular is hard to share because i know that my own dad will read this and i pray that it doesnt break his heart, but i believe that our family is healing and that our past family habits are important to share.

If i were to view God as my father, that would mean that

• He would leave me
• He would hurt me
• He would make me cry
• I couldnt believe His promises
• He wouldnt show me love 
• He woulnt have enough time for me
• He would try to make up for not being there with gifts
• He would act like nothing is wrong
• and so many more that are hard to express or explain. 

This thought of a father was the worst thing for me to associate God with. So i didnt and i didnt trust God fully because of that. David told us that our relationship with our earthly fathers corrupt our relationship with God. He told us to imagin God as our father hugging us............I couldnt do it......immediatly i started cry and i couldnt help it. The thought of God giving me a fathers hug killed me.  I didnt trust God to believe that Him as a father would'nt leave me or hurt my self image. In that moment my heart was so broken, and a defencive wall was immediatly built up so i didnt have to face it...It hurt...It hurt to have a painful view of a father like this. Even though my earthly father and I's relationship have been changing in a positive way, my old thoughts and emotional breadowns from my father still corrupt my view of God the Father.

As i was crying, all of my musles started to tense up and my whole body was forcefully pulling itself into a tight ball. My whole face was making my eyes shut as if i was keeping myself safe somehow. This went on for what felt like ages and David came over and asked me to look him in his eyes. I couldnt bring myself to do such a simple thing. The shame i felt infront of  david and God. The shame i felt because i couldnt trust God as my father. It was heavy in my body. The tears still fell so deeply and painfully from not just my eyes, but from my whole being.

Yet during this, God knew that he wanted me to be healed and he knew that if He could prove His pure Fathers love to me, I could slowly start to trust Him. So as  my body was forcing itself to be so tight, God brought my mind back to the memory of me and my dad. we were standing on the front deck where i was fully humiliated by the words of my dad. He stood  there when i looked at him and told him that i should just leave. He looked at me and mockingly told me "Oh you don't have to leave. I didnt mean it" and than told me to "give me a hug."

God brought to me this memory why?

Why would he do this?

Because He was showing me that my view of a fathers hug was to mock me and that it was used to bribe me to stay and not leave him. God was also showing me that He was there every moment of that fight. He knew exactly why I couldnt trust Him as my father, and He wanted to heal me. The wonderful gift of God the Father's loving hug  had nothing nice about it to me. I felt so ashamed that i had been humiliated like this, so i denied God's hug because of it. I said "No" to God as if He had no idea what i was feeling. My whole body was aching from the inside out because of how tight each and every mucle was reacting.

God seemlessly took me from one memory to the next. God now was making me aware of my mucles and the way i was sitting. It was as if my body was fighting to keep my whole self as tight as it could to a bus window. And thats because I was. God reminded me of one day that I rode the bus home from school when i was 14. I had two friends that i would talk to several bus rides a week. I knew what they wanted from me so on the inside i was scared of how close i was getting with them. This day I sat in my seat on the bus when the first boy sat next to me and the other boy sat behind me. They had never sat by me like this before and i could start to feel every mucle in my whole body tenced up and i scooted closer to the window, just like how i was sitting in the teaching. The two boys started to sweet talk to me, than minipulate me than later force me to flash my chest. After I fell into the same boy's lap and weeped. I was forced to do this yet i had lived all these years that i had thouht about this like it was my fault. I was discusted by myself and had no self worth. I never told anyone of this. So why would God remind me of this?

He reminded me of this because he was showing me that the very moments that i weeped on that boys lap, God was weeping over me because of the pain he felt for His daughter. God hurt more than i did. And not only was He weeping over me, He was weeping over the two boys. God was proving to me that He was there and that he does know me and how i felt. He showed me that He does not force me to love Him or to hug Him. He gentaly heals me to get to the point where i want to hug Him and love Him. I had so much shame to try and handle. I thought myself to be unworthy of His perfect love. Like i had done to much for Him to still love me. So again i denied Him.

Like before God was took me from thought to thought. He was now leading me to think of the stories in the Bible where He loved the prostitutes. He didnt turn His back on them and He didnt change His mind on how much He loved them either. He still saw them as beautiful and wonderful. Not one loving thought changed about them even though they didnt love themselves.

So than God brought me to my eighth grade graduation dance that took place the same night as our eight grade graduation. My dad had been escorted out of it and i got the news that my parents were plannig on a devorce. When i went to that dance i didnt care about myself or how i would act that night. So at the dance i grinded with every guy that would. There were girls calling me a slut and i didnt care.

And God told me " just as i loved the prostitutes i have loved you" He showed me that even  though I treated myself like this and danced with every boy like this His loving thoughts for me never changed. This finaly broke the wall inside of me. The tears of fear, pain and anger turned to tears of peace, relife and trust. God started to overwhelm me with His victorious Love! God told me that he wants to dance with me like a father wants to dance with his daughter. I was so suprised by this that God wasnt mad at me. It bacame easier to trust Him and i gave up all of these reasons that kept me from seeing Him as a father and i slowly fell into His Fathers Hug (through someone elses hug) and i felt safe and loved.

 God loves me so much to gentaly show me His place in ever harsh memory and shameful secret. All of these memories that God reminded me of were all things that i couldnt face God with. I was so ashamed of myself. and It haunted my thoughts for a long time. Now i can recieve God as my Fathers and trust that His love is real and trust that His love is true!!!


Now when i veiw God as my Father it means:

• He will never leave me
• He protects me
• he loves me
• I can believe His promises
• He is forgiving
• I can tell Him anything
• He wants to spend tme with me
• He doesnt hurt my feelings
• He is so wonderful!!!
• I can talk to Him about anything!!!
• and sooo much more that is hard to express or explain!

A gentle healing.  
God redeems the pain and helps me with my shame.

WHAT CAN GOD DO IN ONE MONTH? the "small" but significant start

So today the question i asked myself was WHAT CAN GOD DO IN ONE MONTH?

I left America September 5th with the general religious knowledge that, yeah God has called me and yeah He has opened the doors in order for me to get to Norway. I had no thoughts of healing to take place of my brokenness that i had stored up inside of me. My selfish thoughts were dreams of doing art, music, dances and dramas, to "help other people" who did´nt know God. I didnt think of how i needed help. "Im a christian, i go to church, i tell some people about God...my own pain and hurts dont matter because i have Jesus that took my place..." This is what i unknowingly was thinking as i was telling people about a God that i didnt really honestly know. The thought that i dont need any help for me was a form of pride in my life as i pushed all my own problems away and helped others. I really hadnt noticed any important problems in myself besides a few obvious ones that i had learned to manage with.

Well in a short amount of time I found that i had piles of shame and hurt that I needed to rid of...But how? Normally at home i would put on my happy face as i skipped to church and dumped a load of trash in Gods lap than skipped happily home, nothing personal. I didnt know about anything deeper except for a few encounters with God that i had forgotten about.

From the day i arrived at the base i could feel in my stomach that something big was about to happen here in my life. i could feel God already pulling at my heart, but because of my shame and pride it was an inturnal struggle to even try to listen to all of the things that God was trying to tell me.  It was almost making me angery that God would want to still try to communicate with me. The first week of being here at the YWAM base we were having worship sessions with God that were all acoustic, in a small room with huge hearts. God would just make me start balling my eyes out and i didnt even know why. It now reminds me of the first time at First Assembly when i asked God in my heart, God was just making me cry cry cry. But here in this small room of people, with very unperfessional singers God was lovingly melting my heart. every single day. i could feel the knot in my throat get bigger as i new the next worship session was coming. I sat there in the back of the dining  hall listening to these hearts sing as i was uncontrolably crying. others danced, some painted, some sat quitly as i uncontrolably cried.. God is funny isnt he.

 Without me realizing it, God was stripping me internally to a point where He was dealing with my pride and shame that held me back from worshiping Him in a deep level. For the first weeks i didnt realize this was from God. Ha i just thought that i was blubbering in the back for no reason..I felt really out of place there in that room. I felt like i had no heart for God as these other people did, and that i was to sinful to fit in here.  I didnt talk to any one here for almost three weeks aside from small talk with the leaders.  

Week two we took a trip to Sweden to the 50th annual YWAM scandinavia anniversary. Loren Cunningham was there which i had read books about so i was pretty interested. I would find my own seat alone from my base as often as i could and would find a place in the front to worship..i was feeling terrable as every worship service started. I was weeping out these rivers where i didnt know i ever could have that much to cry about.. in front of me was this little blond girl , maybe 6 years old. she saw me crying and she started to do these funny little dances as she looked at me with this curious "i want to help you" look. This little girl was trying to help me smile and be happy while boldly dancing and doing flips and singing off key. I really appreciated this little girl because it was the kindest act of encouragment she knew. Deep Deep down i wanted to just join her and be a little girl again and not care what people were thinking or who was watching.

After this deep want to be free, I felt an urgency to ask God to speak to me at this meeting. Not just mans words to move me but the Holy Spirit to move me. An Alter call to come forth to get prayer was announced and i was already in the front so i moved all the way to the side to try and avoid getting prayred for. slowly i could see this nice lady eyeing me as she came up to pray for me. i could feel every muscle in my body tense up and i was putting up this strong was to try and controle the things that God might want to talk to me about. Funny how i thought that i could do that. Well this lady starts to pray for me and starts saying that she sees me ministering with young childern, and that she sees me dancing with them like i am a child. This started to kinda freak me out how real it was and how this lady was seeing my inner desires to be free as that little girl. It was incredable but at that moment i was blocking her out because i was upset that God didnt just talk to me and that it had to come from that nice lady... i stud there cold hearted at what this woman had said and i told God once again, "God i just want to hear from you not man. i want to feel your love."

Not but ten minutes latter a girl from my YWAM team came up beside me and i could see her coming and this huge knot started to rise in my throat again. she gave me a side hug and started to pray this very simple general prayer...i started to once again  to uncontrolably cry. Not just a small wimper, but a full on snot dripping cry where we were both soaked from it.

God was helping me become desperate to know His love and for Him to speak to me. It was like my heart was deeply breaking for Him almost like i had been missing Him for a very long time. I was Longing for so long for this but had become tired of searching on my own strength. This is the "small" but significant start.. the first two weeks....

So many small things inside of me that God was starting to line up inside of me so that he could do His next big move. Next We were having a full week of teaching on the charactre of God. This included God as  Father......