So today the question i asked myself was WHAT CAN GOD DO IN ONE MONTH?
I left America September 5th with the general religious knowledge that, yeah God has called me and yeah He has opened the doors in order for me to get to Norway. I had no thoughts of healing to take place of my brokenness that i had stored up inside of me. My selfish thoughts were dreams of doing art, music, dances and dramas, to "help other people" who did´nt know God. I didnt think of how i needed help. "Im a christian, i go to church, i tell some people about God...my own pain and hurts dont matter because i have Jesus that took my place..." This is what i unknowingly was thinking as i was telling people about a God that i didnt really honestly know. The thought that i dont need any help for me was a form of pride in my life as i pushed all my own problems away and helped others. I really hadnt noticed any important problems in myself besides a few obvious ones that i had learned to manage with.
Well in a short amount of time I found that i had piles of shame and hurt that I needed to rid of...But how? Normally at home i would put on my happy face as i skipped to church and dumped a load of trash in Gods lap than skipped happily home, nothing personal. I didnt know about anything deeper except for a few encounters with God that i had forgotten about.
From the day i arrived at the base i could feel in my stomach that something big was about to happen here in my life. i could feel God already pulling at my heart, but because of my shame and pride it was an inturnal struggle to even try to listen to all of the things that God was trying to tell me. It was almost making me angery that God would want to still try to communicate with me. The first week of being here at the YWAM base we were having worship sessions with God that were all acoustic, in a small room with huge hearts. God would just make me start balling my eyes out and i didnt even know why. It now reminds me of the first time at First Assembly when i asked God in my heart, God was just making me cry cry cry. But here in this small room of people, with very unperfessional singers God was lovingly melting my heart. every single day. i could feel the knot in my throat get bigger as i new the next worship session was coming. I sat there in the back of the dining hall listening to these hearts sing as i was uncontrolably crying. others danced, some painted, some sat quitly as i uncontrolably cried.. God is funny isnt he.
Without me realizing it, God was stripping me internally to a point where He was dealing with my pride and shame that held me back from worshiping Him in a deep level. For the first weeks i didnt realize this was from God. Ha i just thought that i was blubbering in the back for no reason..I felt really out of place there in that room. I felt like i had no heart for God as these other people did, and that i was to sinful to fit in here. I didnt talk to any one here for almost three weeks aside from small talk with the leaders.
Week two we took a trip to Sweden to the 50th annual YWAM scandinavia anniversary. Loren Cunningham was there which i had read books about so i was pretty interested. I would find my own seat alone from my base as often as i could and would find a place in the front to worship..i was feeling terrable as every worship service started. I was weeping out these rivers where i didnt know i ever could have that much to cry about.. in front of me was this little blond girl , maybe 6 years old. she saw me crying and she started to do these funny little dances as she looked at me with this curious "i want to help you" look. This little girl was trying to help me smile and be happy while boldly dancing and doing flips and singing off key. I really appreciated this little girl because it was the kindest act of encouragment she knew. Deep Deep down i wanted to just join her and be a little girl again and not care what people were thinking or who was watching.
After this deep want to be free, I felt an urgency to ask God to speak to me at this meeting. Not just mans words to move me but the Holy Spirit to move me. An Alter call to come forth to get prayer was announced and i was already in the front so i moved all the way to the side to try and avoid getting prayred for. slowly i could see this nice lady eyeing me as she came up to pray for me. i could feel every muscle in my body tense up and i was putting up this strong was to try and controle the things that God might want to talk to me about. Funny how i thought that i could do that. Well this lady starts to pray for me and starts saying that she sees me ministering with young childern, and that she sees me dancing with them like i am a child. This started to kinda freak me out how real it was and how this lady was seeing my inner desires to be free as that little girl. It was incredable but at that moment i was blocking her out because i was upset that God didnt just talk to me and that it had to come from that nice lady... i stud there cold hearted at what this woman had said and i told God once again, "God i just want to hear from you not man. i want to feel your love."
Not but ten minutes latter a girl from my YWAM team came up beside me and i could see her coming and this huge knot started to rise in my throat again. she gave me a side hug and started to pray this very simple general prayer...i started to once again to uncontrolably cry. Not just a small wimper, but a full on snot dripping cry where we were both soaked from it.
God was helping me become desperate to know His love and for Him to speak to me. It was like my heart was deeply breaking for Him almost like i had been missing Him for a very long time. I was Longing for so long for this but had become tired of searching on my own strength. This is the "small" but significant start.. the first two weeks....
So many small things inside of me that God was starting to line up inside of me so that he could do His next big move. Next We were having a full week of teaching on the charactre of God. This included God as Father......
